King of idiots
by milou8
Summary: Allan thinks of why he has betrayed the gang and how much he regrets it.


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.**

**Author's Note: The part in the beginning comes from a song: **_**Je suis un homme **_**by the French artist **_**Zazie**_**. I translated the part myself (relatively freely, I might add) so I apologise if it's not entirely correct. I just thought it fit here. **

**I would also like to say that English is not my mother tongue so I apologise for all mistakes.**

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><p><em>Tu vois, j'suis pas un homme<em>

_Je suis le roi de l'illusion._

_Au fond, qu'on me pardonne_

_Je suis le roi, le roi des cons._

_(You see, I'm not a man_

_I'm the king of illusion._

_Actually, you have to forgive me_

_I'm the king, the king of idiots.)_

He didn't know why he had done it. Seriously, he didn't. His first argument was the torture, Gisbourne's face as he was torturing him kept appearing every time he closed his eyes. He had tried to hang on, believing the Gang would come for him, but they didn't, and time dragged on.

Things were even worse when Gisbourne told him they had been in the castle. He had tried to shut it out, to convince himself that maybe they didn't know he had been captured. Surely they wouldn't abandon him. Gisbourne was a manipulator, he knew that, however it was very hard to ignore his voice while he prowled around him as if he were a prey. And in a way, he was.

And so he had crumbled, he had let himself be deceived by the Sheriff's right-hand man. A man responsible for his brother's death but in that moment he couldn't bring himself to care.

For God's sake he wanted to live! Just as he was finally beginning to feel he was doing something good in his life, that he had a family he loved and who loved him – because honestly, even though Tom was his brother they never shared that sense of family he shared with the rest of the Gang – he wanted to live, to have a happily ever after.

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><p>And as he walked back to camp that evening he felt a sense of security when worried eyes turned to him at the sight of his bruised face. He felt warm when Djaq and Will sat close to him that evening. She rubbing some mixture on his bruises, he looking at him in concern with one hand on his knee.<p>

He could've stopped then, nothing ever forced him to go to Gisbourne. He was safe with his family what more could he want? Only, he did want more. He was tired of always being the one looked at in suspicion, of Much's annoying chatter, true they had never really seen eye to eye but ever since he and Will's little escapade things only got worse. And he still wanted what he wanted then, safety, a chance for the future. And what could provide him that? Money. Who could provide him the money? Gisbourne.

Every time he left the Trip he swore it was the last time he did it. However, he was lying and he knew it. He wasn't only lying to the others but also to himself, convincing himself that it was for the best, that no one would get hurt.

He desperately wanted to talk to someone, but who? His first choice would be Will but he doubted the younger man would understand. Will saw the world in black and white, it would've probably never occurred to him that one of them could betray the Gang.

Could he tell Djaq? She would probably understand. However, he couldn't stand the thought of the disappointment he would most likely see in her eyes.

Robin then? Worse idea than Will. The man would kick him out of the Gang or maybe even kill him, even before he had a chance to explain himself.

Much? He'd have a fit. Not to mention the man would probably kill him and use him as food. If there was one thing didn't want, it was to be cooked in a stew and given to the others –especially Will and Djaq - they could fall ill! Seriously, they do not want to know where he's found himself in during his life.

Maybe Little John would listen to him? Right. He would most likely kill him as well with that stick of his.

Unfortunately this didn't leave him with many options. Who else could he talk to? Marian? He didn't know her that well and didn't feel comfortable with the idea of telling her. That left, no one.

Sighing, Allan let his head fall back against the tree he'd been leaning on. He'd been thinking about his situation for the past few minutes and hadn't come any closer to a solution. Suddenly he heard soft footsteps coming his way, looking in the direction of the sound he saw Will approaching him.

"Robin wants us to go to Locksley for the deliveries." Will told him. Immediately Allan jumped to his feet and grabbed the sack he had thrown next to him earlier, throwing it over his shoulder.

"Good! Not being funny mate I was starting to get desperate here." Allan said, thinking back to his previous thoughts. Will threw him a puzzled look but seeing the brilliant grin Allan flashed him, shrugged it off as just Allan being Allan and turned around in the direction of Locksley.

If only he had looked back he would've seen the grin slipping off his best friend's face, a hopeless nearly desperate expression replacing it.

**I hope you like it. This is my first story in this fandom. Read and review please?**


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